That last goodbye.

The feeling working in the hospital, seeing all those sad and worried faces everyday will never be understood unless you are in their shoes.

It was almost 2 years when all of this happen. it was gloomy and calm Thursday morning. i was waken up by mom at 5am in the morning with her shaky voice. the moment when she rushed into my bedroom and wanted me to get up from the bed quickly, i knew there is something wrong.

that was one of the moment that i saw mum cried, as far as i could remember. she said slowly, "cik mah is gone, angah. they are bringing her body here for kafan. wake up and get the house clean." it was a clear order, but my mind cant process it well.

i never lost someone that is close to me, never. and she was the first one. i still remember holding the death certificate, went to a nearest kedai for photocopy (for burial purpose). the feeling,...it was difficult. it was like a blurry day and i was still in shock. i still cant accept that she is gone, like forever.

i was lucky at that time as i were home for my semester break. a day before she left us, i got the chance to meet her, talk to her and hold her hand that was so cold and swelled up. it was bitter seeing your love one lying on the bed, connected to various infusion pumps and cardiac monitoring with all sort of alarms sound. she was silent, but i knew she knew we were there, supporting her.

there will be a moment where you keep telling a lie to yourself..like everything gonna be back to normal. trying to deny all the worst possibilities. barely you can accept the truth, the bitter truth.

so for the past 3 weeks, i were in the icu for my Anaesthesiology 2 posting and almost everyday there will be someone who passed away. we were cool, still able to continue our daily routine as usual. writing the medical report, preparing the death certificate and prepare to break bad news to the family members.

but little that we know, how much the family members will be affected and how much it leave a deep scare inside someone's heart.

and everyday i walk through the ICU, there is not a day that i forget to keep my thought to Cik Mah, my dearest aunt. there is always hope when you walk through the icu, but you will never know the ending.

 Al-Fatihah.